Tuesday, February 1, 2011

Broken.

I am heartbroken. Devastated. Aching from the very depths of my soul. This morning we withdrew our commitment to Gage. In the 11th hour of his need, we are walking away. Leaving him to face an unimaginable fate if another family is not able to step forward NOW to bring him home because we could not follow through with our commitment. I feel wretched. Evil. Cruel. Selfish. I have failed this precious child, whom I love deeply, in his greatest hour of need and am leaving him to a fate worse than death. . . .the institution.

Why?

Because we cannot get there fast enough. In addition to encountering delays with our homestudy update (our state child abuse clearances are currently taking 3-4 months), it has become very apparent to us over the past few weeks that our children (specifically our girls) are not ready for both of us to leave them for a prolonged (and undetermined) length of time. When we made our initial commitment, the girls were adjusting beautifully and seemed to be quickly overcoming many of the hurts that they had experienced living in orphanages for 7 and 8 years. We felt certain that, by the time we were ready to submit our dossier for Gage, they would be well enough adjusted that we could leave them for a few weeks without major consequence. That changed when I traveled to Bulgaria and brought Alexis home. Old behaviors and insecurities began to resurface and, while we are slowly working through those issues and insecurities, we know that the girls need time to heal and fully adjust to our family as it is now before we introduce any more change.

Many people advised us to wait until Alexis was home before making our initial commitment. We understood the wisdom in that counsel, but also felt an urgency from the Spirit to move forward with our commitment. Now, 4 months later and with Gage literally out of time, we feel the same urgency to "step aside." It could be months before we are able move forward to bring him home and he does not have months. He needs a family to rescue him NOW.

This has been the most agonizing decision we have ever made and we have spent countless hours in prayer and deep discussion, trying to find a way to meet the needs of our children at home while still being able to follow through with our commitment to Gage. But in the end, we knew that we needed to love Gage enough to let him go and to give him the chance to find his forever family NOW.

I wish I could give him back the 4 months that he lost while he was on hold for our family. I wish that I had loved him enough 4 months ago, to follow the counsel of those who advised us to wait. At the same time, I cannot deny the power and urgency with which the Spirit spoke to our hearts to move forward. While I do not claim to know or understand the Lord's purposes in this situation, I pray that the purpose of our commitment may simply have been to hold him at the baby house until his forever family was ready to rescue him and I am pleading with our Heavenly Father to send that family NOW so that our precious boy never has to set foot in an institution.

We may not be able to move forward quickly enough to bring Gage home, but we will not leave him without a voice. We will advocate for our amazing boy until he is HOME with his forever family and, in an effort to ensure that finances are not a barrier to bringing him home, we will be launching a fundraiser in the next few days in the hope of raising enough money to provide him with a FULL grant (he currently has $9000 in his grant fund which covers his entire facilitation fee).

We will also continue to move forward with our homestudy update. We have received a firm witness that our family is not yet complete. While we are praying that Gage is home with his family LONG before we are able to move forward again, if he is still available when that time comes, we will continue to work to bring him home.

Please, please help us be a voice for our precious boy! He is literally out of time and he does not deserve to spend another day in an orphanage without the love of a mommy and daddy! Please raise your voices along with us to help us find a family for him NOW!

30 comments:

Arizona mom to eight said...

Our hearts ache with you and for you, we know the decision was not an easy one, but completely understand the why's. Prayers said he finds a family soon and for the healing of your hearts, be kind to yourselves.

MoonDog said...

oh Valerie I am so sorry to hear this. I know he would have fit right in with your crew. but I admire your brave spirit to put that boy's welfare before your own wants desires and feelings. what a difficult thing to do. thinking of you as always. I hope gage finds a family asap.

Lori Schumaker said...

Oh, Valerie...I'm so sorry.... God did lead you to this sweet little boy for a reason. He put him in your hearts for a reason. It is so hard when we cannot see the answers to all the "why's" but we trust in our loving Father who is going to meet you right in the middle of that broken heart, as He will meet Gage in his need. He is a mighty God Who can fill all the gaps.

When we fell in love with our Selah and then lost her referral to another family, I remember asking Him "why"? In the end I surrendered it to Him and knew that I had to give her back to the One Who created her. I committed to be a prayer warrior for that little girl for the rest of her life. Little did I know that He would weave the story in such an amazing way and give her back to us. I am so humbled by His mighty work and thankful beyond words...but I would be lying if I said that the question of all the extra months that she has had to be without her family wasn't on my mind and in my heart. But God....He heals, He comforts, He redeems....and His plan is beyond our knowledge. There is a reason for everything. God is using your loving heart for a mighty purpose, just keep listening to Him!

You and Gage will be in my prayers.

Lori

Renae said...

Praying that Jesus wraps His arms around your family as you grieve over this decision...and that Gage is covered by 10,000 angels as he waits for his family!

Julia said...

Valerie - I know this decision was hard. I know it ripped your heart out. I wish I had more of a chance to talk to you last week and I wish I would have known then that you were struggling because I would have loved to pray with you. I admire you that you are willing to let him go even though it is ripping you apart. I am praying for you guys and for Gage. You have our full support and prayer covering as you work through this. You have rescued so many! You are my hero!

Yvonne said...

Valerie,

I will keep Gage in my prayers... I know this is a tough time for you. If you have Facebook and you create a photo/outreach/button to send out to family and friends I will gladly share it with all of my friends and family and will help advocate for a family for Gage. Look me up and friend me... Yvonne Villemure

My heart is with you and your husband...

Yvonne

amie said...

Valerie and famiy,
I am so sorry, your family is in my thoughts as is Gage

Bigmammy said...

in our prayers. He is so beautiful. I know I would bring them all home if they could somehow just come to us. You are an amazing woman, and he will find the right home.

Jen said...

Valerie, I am sorry you're going through this painful time. I'm so impressed by your faith and commitment both to children and to the will of God.

Amy said...

We are praying for you, your family and Gage! You are an amazing woman of God and the Lord will do wonderful things through your love and faith! Keep your chin up - toward heaven! We will see amazing things happen - I am sure of it!
Sending you lots of Hugs!
Amy
godsarrowsinourquiver.blogspot.com (new pictures of Dusty)

Mel said...

BIG prayers from here for your family Valerie. God knows what He is doing... but I also know how difficult it can be to follow His will. Praying for your little guy too... Hang in there...

Tammy said...

I have been following your blog for sometime now. I will be praying for your family and for Gage. Take Care.

Jill said...

So sorry for you and your loss. I hope that he will find his family soon! (((HUGS)))

Anonymous said...

As hard as it is, I think you have made a wise decision. I frankly become very alarmed when I see so many families just adding more and more and more children after just having brought other children home! Your responsibility is to your children at home first, and I think you and your husband are making the right choice. Your first responsibility is to help your girls heal. That is the most important thing.

Milena said...

I fully agree with Anonymous (comment number 14) in that I believe you have made a wise decision. You need to be there for your newly adopted girls, as well as your other children. I do understand though how much this decision hurt you, and I hope with all my heart that another family finds Gage really soon!

Christine said...

Valerie I am sorry. While I know that you now that you made a wise decision it does not make it any easier. Hope a family steps up very soon!

Nan and Dan said...

I am SO sorry!! praying for your momma's heart! You have made a very hard decision, I can not imagine how hard it was! Praying he finds a family soon and your kids settle in. hugs!!! Still hoping we meet up some time in Philly! we will be there every friday in march!

Difference2This1 said...

Prayers for your family and for Gage. You have been such an encouragement to me as we journey to bring our boys home. We've seen God move so many mountains in the world of adoption...He can certainly do this for Gage too. God bless, Jennifer

Amy said...

Praying for you!!!!! Hope you are ok! e-mail me sometime!
amymhinz@aol.com

eliz said...

I'm so sorry (((HUG)))

Sabrina said...

Praying healing for your hearts. I saw that Gage was on the "My Family Found Me" page on Reece's Rainbow today! Hoping he gets home soon.

Stacey Kirchner said...

Oh I am so sorry, Val. I wish there was something I could do to take away your pain!

Anonymous said...

Hi Valerie,
I am so sorry for your loss. I share your feelings as I too had to relinquish the dream of adopting a certain child when I met him and found that he would not be a good match for my family. The pain and disappointment is deep, but God makes good of it. I found out this morning that Gage has a new family! They met him previously when they traveled to get their daughter, and they are crazy about him! Perhaps God used you to "hold" him until this family could return with their daughter and be ready to commit to another child. I hope you will be able to have peace knowing that Gage has a family coming soon! God bless you.

Cathy and Nick said...

I can only imagine the anguish you felt when you finally made the decision to withdraw from your commitment for Gage. God has heard your urgent prayers for him and I understand another family has stepped up to adopt him. You were not meant to bring him home to your family but to bring attention to him to allow another family to come forward. Love on your little ones and rest knowing that through God, your intervention has delivered Gage. Blessing!

Anonymous said...

Gage has a family; also a family that has already adopted via RR, and it seems that they've not only met him, but that he was good friends with their adopted daughter:
http://hebrewselevevone.blogspot.com/

Rachel said...

im so sorry that you had to make this heart wrenching but wise decision. praying for you and gage..

David and Carolyn said...

Valerie, God has heard your prayers. David and I are stepping out in total faith to bring Gage home. We pass no judgment upon you and know what an incredibly hard decision this must have been on your whole family. God will not give up on this young man !! We covet your prayers.
Carolyn

fiona said...

I'm sorry, Valerie! You and your family are in my prayers often, and I'm sure this was a difficut, difficult decision. You can take comfort in the knowledge that you have been following the promptings of the Spirit at each point in your journey. I'm so glad to hear that little Gage has found his family!

Rachel and Scott's family said...

So sorry to hear what you're all going through. I found this blog looking for people who have adopted from Bulgaria with children already at home. We are starting the process to adopt from Bulgaria and don't know if the country is okay with couples who already have children in our home. Our agency is encouraging us to adopt from Hungary instead. We hope to adopt a sibling set/group. If anyone can shed more light on adopting from Bulgaria I'd love to hear from you. - Rachel - rilysily@hotmail.com

Allan and Cynthia said...

I was so sorry to learn of your decision, but I understand the needs of those who are now at home -- and your desire to not create more upheaval for those who are now healing.